nostalgia

I’ve been feeling so wack lately. I hate it, too. I haven’t been the same person this past week or so, I’ve been a different, distant version of myself that I can’t mask. When people talk to me, I try to listen, but all I keep thinking about is how much I don’t give a fuck what they’re talking about, and usually that is not the case. I am usually great at giving feedback, advice, or whatever else the conversation calls for. Hopefully I’ll get over this soon.. In other news: the divorce is finally fucking finalized. Got the papers in the mail earlier this week. I had mixed feelings when I reviewed them, mostly happy ones, yet there was still a bittersweet taste that lingered long after they were read. I think that’s normal.. I don’t think what I’ve been through was normal in any way, however. When they sent the papers to my house, they also sent copies to his, as well. Needless to say, he’s been texting me continuously all day/everyday since he got my number. Since he’s received the papers, not a word. He thought I was lying about the whole finalization process because the dumb fuck didn’t attend the trial. I don’t lie, nor have I ever — & I especially have no reason to waste time lying to him. All I can say is that I hope he realizes that we will never be together again, and I hope he stops trying to remind me of all the good times we had together because he just keeps reopening a wound that isn’t even healed thoroughly yet. It’s my fault for reading the stuff he sends me, though. Dumb! I just keep thinking about how I never wanted any of this, and if I had the choice to make everything different I would; real life is not that way, and I don’t live in a fucking fantasy so that’ll never happen and it’s a waste of time thinking about that shit. I’ve been trying my best not to talk to any dudes because I don’t want what they want from me. I am not remotely ready for any of that. My priorities are in this order: Jaxon, school, job, school, own place, school school school. It beats me up logging onto Facebook and seeing people my age getting ready to graduate college because I should be one of those people. I am 5 classes away from receiving an AA, while these people are receiving bachelor’s degrees. I try my best to be happy for them but it doesn’t keep me from thinking that it should be me. That’s only making me push harder towards my goals, though. Enough of that. Time to ease my mind in the only way I know how.

Rumi (via nirvikalpa)

(Source: sumaaaya, via silvermoonsapphiresea)

& the funk continues…

So, I’ve been super slacking on my bloggy. As of Monday I am officially a divorcee & couldn’t be happier. I walked into that court room nervous, unprepared as hell, & hopeful. I walked out of that court room happier than I’ve been in a while. Homie didn’t show, (surprise) so I got everything that I asked for: police supervised visitations between him & Jaxon, Jaxon’s last name changed to my maiden name, & child support as well. The funny thing about the whole ordeal is that I found out the date & time of said trial three hours before it actually took place. I was there. He found out about said trial a month beforehand, & didn’t show. He’s been hollering at me for the past week or so pledging his undying love, sorriness, and ability to have done a complete personality transformation over 4 months time. Sorry, bro. Better luck next time. With a different bitch. Ahaha.

This one kid :S  …has been in my head for, like.. a month now. And he needs to get out. We keep playing games with each other & I love it. I hate it, too. Honestly I have no feelings for him at all, but (I think I mentioned this before) he really has the power to annoy me/piss me off/make me happy/supply my giggles, so I guess there’s something there. To boot, he has a huge penis so I don’t really care otherwise. & he can lick like no one’s business. I better stop before I call his phone & summon him to my household at once.

In other news, I’ve been smoking trees again recently & let me just say I LOVE IT. Reunited and it feels so good. Back on my bullshit. Back on my ‘I don’t really give a fuck’ shit. Not that I’ll ever be as big of a stoner as I was before, but it does feel good to smoke and let my mind free. Speaking of, I think I’ll roll up now. Toodles ;)

amusementforme:

—I really haven’t seen it yet but this is fucking hilarious

(via silvermoonsapphiresea)

Oh my GOODNESS, I am so excited for tomorrow. Everything packed & ready to go, both Jaxon & I. Gotta take him to a dear friend of mine’s house for his adventure, then I’ll be off to mine. A shit load of my friends are throwing a crazy fiesta on Siesta Key Beach; there’ll be kegs, cases, bottles, the whole 9. Me, I’m bringing the green food coloring and my drinking hands. My friends made this insanely delicious strawberry basil lemonade using Bacardi Limon, my f’ing fave. The best part? We’ll be on the Key by 9am. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s the worst part.. but um, here’s to being shitfaced by noon! Woop, Happy St. Patty’s Day.

& this one kid has me trippin’ & I don’t like it one bit. Nope, not one bit. It scares me that I, first of all, gave him the power to piss me off the other night. Nobody gets to piss me off! Second, I don’t like that I overthink everything having to do with him now. This could either end great or horrible, & I don’t even know if I have the incentive to even start something with him. Eh, we’ll see what it do. If not, he sure seems to be a reliable booty call.

I really don’t like how bad I want you to text me. I really don’t like it, not one bit.